Lucid Nightmares

Mahirap nga talagang mabuhay sa isang mala-kolonyal at mala-pyudal na lipunan. Kapit patalim ang mga tao. Para sa isang mas simpleng eksplanasyon: Ang imperyalistang US, sa kagustuhang kumita ay kumukuha ng raw materials sa Pilipinas - Ang mga panginoong may lupa ay mangangamkam ng lupa para gamitin sa kanilang pakikisosyo sa mga foreign businessmen- makukuha ang mga lupang matagal nang sinasaka ng mga pamilyang magsasaka- mapipilitan silang pumunta sa kalunsuran para magtrabaho- dumadami ang tao sa kalunsuran at kulang ang trabaho dahil wala tayong basic industries, etc.- nagiging informal settlers ang karamihan- dahil wala pa ring trabaho ang ilan ay napipilitang gumawa ng krimen para mabuhay- nahohold-up ang mga mamamayang tulad ko… Balik sa kwento…nung tuesday ay papasok na akong UP, muling sumakay sa MRT TAFT gamit ang aking stored value card. Pagpasok sa train na pangbabae lamang, kinutuban na ako. Wala na nga ang original kong Louis Vuitton wallet. Nag-isip…hindi naman ako pwedeng sumigaw ng "Magnanakaw!" sa loob ng MRT..nakakahiya…Hindi ko rin naman pwedeng ipalabas ang lahat ng bag ng mga kasama ko…masyadong nang-aakusa… Baka nalaglag…tayo,hanap, halungkat ulit ng gamit..tanong sa mga tao. Wala talaga. Bumaba na lang ako sa Buendia station. "Mamang guard, pwede po ba kayong rumadyo sa taft station para alamin kung may nalaglag na wallet sa platform?" Mabait naman ang mga guard ng MRT. Tumawag, rumadyo…wala. Shet…allowance ko yun hanggang Sabado..paano na ako mabubuhay? Pagkaraan ng ilang minuto, naireport ko na ang pangyayari sa supervisor. Nag-iwan na lang ako ng contact number sa kanila at tinanggap na hindi ko na ulit makikita ang wallet at pera ko. Paalam wallet, library card at souvenir play, concert at event tickets. Hassle talaga. Nakakahiya pa sa mga magulang ko. Pinuntahan nila ako sa UP kagabihan at binigyan ng pera. Buti na lang may bente pa ko sa coin purse kaya nakarating pa akong UP. FOUR DAYS LATER…pauwi naman ako ng Cavite (southbound naman ngayon). Sakay sa dyip papuntang MRT. Masikip, nakatabi sa isang mamang mataba at naka-sumbrero. Maya-maya nung palabas na ng UP ang dyip tumayo yung mama at sumabit. Wow ang bait..pinaupo ako. Akala ko kinakausap nya yung babae sa dulo. Sabay labas ng baril. Cellphone nyo! Huh? Blanko ang mga tao. Tinutok na sa babae yung baril… syete…de ja vu ito..mula pasay hanggang QC ganito pa rin ang sitwasyon ko (naganito na kasi kami ng orgmates ko sa Pasay pero kutsilyo lang yung dala)…dahan-dahan at mahinahon kong tinanggal yung sim ng cellphone ko…nakakakuha na sya ng tatlo. "cge salamat ha. Patawad, kailangan ko lang talaga ‘tong gawin." Baba… Haggard…nasusuka daw yung katabi ko. Huminto kami para magpa-blotter…nawawala yung pulis..may hold-upan din daw sa may commonwealth. Haggard. Sabi ng mga kasabay ko sa may Romulo Hall daw sumakay yung mama. Hindi na talaga ako ligtas. Inaabot na ko ng mga ganitong krimen. Ngayong third year na lang ako nalalapitan ng mga ganun. Hay. Akala ko noon ay immune ako. Yung lalake naka blue na Puma shirt, naka khaki na sumbrero, naka-khaki na shorts. Silver yung revolver nya. Maitim, prominent yung ilong at medyo singkit ang mata. malaking tao sya. Lesson: 1. Wag uupo sa dulo ng dyip kung saan ikaw ang tututukan ng baril (lalo na kung babae ka) 2. Wag na lang magcelphone na maganda (nadukot na din kasi dati yung bago kong cell kaya 2100 na lang gamit ko ngayon) 3. wag na magwallet ng maganda (bye bye Louis Vuitton wallet! shet! bigay pa yun ng tita ko) 4. celphone talaga at hindi wallet o laptop ang tinitira sa dyip 5. kung desperado itapon ang celphone sa likod o sa ilalim (ganun ginawa ng iba kong mga kasama) 6. wag magpanic kung ayaw mong may madisgrasya 7. bulok talaga ang sistema kaya tayo’y magtulong-tulong upang mabago ito…economically, politically at culturally… "We are creating a new and original world…" Lesson talaga ito…in a span of 6 months ako ay…nahold-up sa Pasay, nadukutan ng cellphone, nadukutan ng wallet, nahold-up sa QC… Buti na lang pag hold-upan ay hindi ako nadadale…pero kawawa talaga yung mga kasama ko. Hay…

Bihira kong ipabasa sa ibang tao ang mga sinusulat kong tula. Madalas dahil nahihiya ako. Marahil ito ay dahil pakiramdam ko hindi ito ganoon kaganda, madalas dahil pag may ibang bumabasa pakiramdam ko nahuhubaran ako.

Ang bawat akda kasi ay isang bintana sa aking isipan, sa aking mga sikreto, sa aking mga lihim na nararamdaman. Pero iyon din naman ang nagpapaganda sa bawat akda ng isang manunulat - ang hubad na katotohanan (for lack of a better term), isang desperadong akto ng paglalahad. Ganoon ang nararamdaman ko sa tula kong ito. Mas madali itong ipabasa sa iba dahil hindi ako nahuhubaran dito kundi nasisilip ang loob ng aking katawan - mga lamang loob, puso, baga, atbp. Sa pagpasok kasi sa loob ng isang tao ay namamaskarahan din ang kahuburan nya sa labas.

Kape

Sa aking kabataan

hinarap ko ang asul na kalungkutan

sa likod ng palamuting saya

Isang kalungkutang

pilit kong ikinikiskis sa burador

Kalungkutang ngayo’y haraya na lamang

sa malinaw at malamig

na batis ng aking isipan

Inakala ko noon na kaya ko sila

pagkat sa yelo kong pader

ang asul at malamig na kalungkutan

ay mababasag lamang

ni hindi man lang bububog

kundi matutunaw sa katagalan

Inalala ko na ang kalungkutan

ay bisita lamang

na pinagkakape at umaalis din

Ngunit sa pagtanaw ko

sa aking pinakamalaking kasiyahan

animo’y bulag kong yinakap

ang anino ng pulang kalungkutan

Ang bawat kasiyahan nga naman

ay may alagang dalamhati

Dalamhating itinatago

sa mga bisig ng liwayway ng galak

Sa pagtanaw ko sa pulang silangan

ilang beses tinunaw ng marubdob na kalungkutan

ang aking pader na yelo

umaapoy hindi sa dalamhati

kundi sa hangaring mapatay din ang sarili

Isang pulang kalungkutang

paulit-ulit na bumabalik

paulit-ulit kong linulunod

ngunit hindi pa rin namamatay

Isang pulang kalungkutang

maaaring kahihiyan

o pagiging mapagkumbaba sa pulang adhikain

Kalungkutang nagsusumamo

para sa kanyang kamatayan

Kalungkutang hindi tunay na masama

ngunit inianak ng kalungkutan sa aking kabataan

Kalungkutang kasa-kasama ng saya

kasa-kasama marahil ng iilan

o maraming katulad ko

Kalungkutang ikinahihiya

hindi lamang dahil nagpapakita ng kahinaan

kundi dahil nagpapamalas din ng pag-ibig

Isang kalungkutang pula

na nagpaparamdam ng pag-iisa

at pagiging magkasama

Isang kalungkutang hindi ko matanggap

ngunit unti-unti nang nagsisiga sa aking puso

21 Enero 2008

Natuwa naman ako na magbubuklod ulit ang Buklod para lang sa concert na ito. Kaya kung mahilig ka sa tunay na pinoy music at kung may pakialam ko sa mga nagaganap sa paligid mo, dapat lang na pumunta ka sa event na ito.

Ito ay handog ng grupong Desparecidos (mga pamilya ng mga na-abduct tulad nina Jonas Burgos, Karen Empeno, She Cadapan) at Free Jonas Burgos Movement.

Dec. 11 2007 "Huling Balita" concert 7p.m. sa Cine Adarna (Film center/institute), UP Diliman

Artists: Jess Santiago, Noel Cabangon, Radioactive Sago Project, Cynthia Alexander, Buklod, Joey Ayala, Dong Abay, The Jerks, The Woods, Cookie Chua, atbp.

Ang malilikom na pera sa concert na ito ay mapupunta sa grupong Desaperacidos at pagproduce ng album tungkol sa mga desap. Kaya sya sa loob ng adarna ay para makapag-live recording. Bawat isa sa mga artists na ito ay lilikha ng kanta para sa mga desap at yun ang lalamanin ng album. Isa din itong form of awareness campaign na madami pa ring nawawalang mga tao dahil lang sa kanilang politikal na paninindigan o minsan nga’y pagsisilbi lang sa masa.

P150 para sa nonstudents, P125 sa students pero kung 10 tickets ang bibilhin mo ay P100 each na lang at may libre pang 3 tickets.

Txt 09165186958 for tickets o hanapin nyo ko (ako po si tine, journ student, pakalat-kalat lang sa maskom). Sa tues na ito. Bili na hanggang may tickets pa.

Dumalo po tayo at magpadalo. Nakapagconcert ka na nga, nakatulong ka pa. Isulong natin ang tunay na demokrasya kung saan hindi na pinapatay o dinudukot ang mga taong pininipiling magsilbi sa masa.

Human Rights day is on Dec 10, the day before the concert.

Wondering why my blog in friendster is inactive? Well it’s because I’m not using it, dummy! So check out my multiply blog: abysmalreverie@multiply.com - it’s where my parents can’t reach my heretic and disturbing thoughts…see you there!

    As of this sem, I think I’ve been burned out. Somehow I don’t want to study anymore (although the org is another thing). I think I lost the drive. They say 3rd year really is a phase where you suddenly lose interest.

    I’m taking 21 units this sem (which is actually a lot for UP students), juggling my time between the org (where I’m an officer), academics, and my volunteer stint for the UP press.

    I’m burned out and I have this urge to flunk all my exams and papers then go on AWOL. Haha…Perhaps I’m in one of my depression phases.

    Last night I wanted to get drunk but I had to finish this article for Ma’am Chua’s class and so I still went out with friends but only drank one bottle of beer. We went home at around 11pm and I slept around 2am… I haven’t finished it yet… Perhaps if this goes well I’ll feel good enough to be in this course.

   

Almost finished with the 288-paged hardbound book  A World of Animals: The San Diego Zoo and The Wild Animal Park  and I couldn’t help but wish there was something like the San Diego Zoo here in the Philippines. I couldn’t help but compare the caged animals here with the diverse and rare breeding groups that are being taken

care of there.

SUMMER ENDING…
"sweet beginnings and bitter (erase erase erase) sweeter endings" - The Corrs, altered by Tine

So besides exhausting all the possible sources of reading at home, this summer I:

1.) went to Nueva Ecija
    - learned a little about agricultural life/ business in both the peasant and landowner point-of-view

2.) went out a couple of times with my highschool friends (to the
mall and at Alexis’ -although it’s not exactly his but his family’s-
private resort rented by Edree for her post-birthday celebration)
    - friendship still going strong and even stronger, searching for other options for another day’s hang out

3.) went out swimming with the Sahagun clan (claiming that all their -including me- family members are talented and beautiful)
 
- still not enough to give me proper tan lines…or is it the mistake
of buying a halter swimsuit, thus leaving no signs of unsun-kissed
lines at the back?

4.) had a blast with my support group (both ripada and veterans) may it be during community work or happy hours
 
- guys I really really enjoyed the summer because of our experience
(both in a profound and friendshipy way). ‘Hope we still see each other
this school year. Although I doubt we’ll still be able to go out as
usual. I’ll miss having lunch with you guys. Thanks for reintroducing
food into my life…thus the food-and-friends formula will work for me
from now on.

These are of course just the highlights. Entry
#4’s elaboration might actually consist of a novelleta. And there are
also other things that are worth mentioning but have now escaped my
mind. How ’bout you guys, had a fun summer?

Current music: Heart-shaped box by Nirvana and its revival by Evanescence

One of my favorite quotes: "In youth, we want to change the world. In old age, we want to change (the) youth" - Bob Brown 
It reminds me of some politicians. Can they have started just like us, idealistically cynical of our nation? 

Perhaps you guys are wondering why I have stopped blogging. Besides my busy busy support group, my Mom suddenly asked me (out of the blue) to see my blog…
"Yeah," I innocently replied, inside guilty about the stuff I have been writing about. Luckily, I haven’t written about my latest escapades yet (which includes late nights and vices…hmmm)…Oh well I might erase this post after a few days, when my mom remembers to ask the address of my blog. Ciao for awhile!!!

Haha..I’m back from Nueva Ecija with memories of Sierra Madre in my head. Sigh. It was so beautiful. I’m so lucky to be able to go to my Ninong’s province.

Besides that I also gained insights about agricultural and provincial life. It was actually my first time in the province. I also have some questions buzzing in my head…about how the farmers are not given enough benefits, how people could claim to own the mountains themselves (Yes we were able to talk to someone who owns a mountain resort, claiming that they own the mountain itself), how families escape the law by naming their lands to various family members.

COMPLETE DETAILS TO BE POSTED SOON WITH PHOTOS

Monday: I was fine, I was happy, CW was fun as always. I also watched Sevigne with Ces and my other classmates. Sadness begins.

Tuesday: I was okay, I was wondering, Journ had been fun. I also went to Ateneo with Dana and Ma’am Chua’s other students for the staged press con. Wanting begins.

Wednesday: I was sleepy, I was confused, life is unfair. One of my worst days. I lost in scrabble. I didn’t attend any class. I tried to understand the comres discussion but couldn’t for my mind was wandering. I also watched Inang Yaya with the others. Jealousy and the pressure of a decision begins.

Thursday: I was really sleepy. I watched films the whole day. Ces and I found peace in sign language…but what is really happening becomes evident. There is no turning back now. Torment begins.

Friday: I stood my ground. I gave my position. And I saw them together. I cried at last for the first time this week. I went home. I cried again in front of my friends. I got drunk in the middle of the afternoon. (BTW this is personal, the political part comes after this parenthetical sentence).

They stood their ground. We were surprised, but somehow I expected it. I didn’t cry. Ces stayed at our boarding house. We got drunk. I couldn’t cry. Regret begins.

Saturday: We go home. We are hang-up about everything…about our lives, our friends, our  beliefs, our broken dreams. But we were not hang-up with alcohol. I wish we were.

Similar to other eldest children, you are probably more successful than your peers. You likely have a good education and have achieved a great deal professionally. Being the eldest child in your family made it natural for you to go for what you wanted, often with a competitive edge. You tend to be a practical person who is fairly open to constructive feedback. You continually seek ways to accomplish your goals more efficiently.